"The goal can't simply be more time, when 'more time' has stopped meaning anything to the person living it" is the line that stopped me. I'm 79 and have thought about this more than I let on. Your grandmother's story made it concrete in a way the clinical parts couldn't.
What you wrote about avoidance feeling like love but really being fear wearing love's clothes landed hard too. That's a phrase worth carrying around.
I write about pickleball, not mortality, but the question you left readers with applies everywhere: does anyone who loves you actually know the answer? Worth asking at any age.
Amen. FINALLY. As a nurse with 43 years of experience, I have witnessed this first hand time and time again. Thank goodness someone's willing to put into words what I have seen repeatedly, both professionally and personally. I think I'm going to read this and then most likely recommend it to others. Thank you for this review and for sharing.
Thank you, Machelle. Coming from someone with 43 years of nursing experience, that really means a lot. I’m so glad it resonated, and I’d love to hear what you think if you end up reading the book. ❤️
“Being Mortal” has been in my library since it was published. Every few years I re-read it. I am so glad you found it, and are recommending it. Its message has helped to direct my thought processes as I continue to age into my 9th decade, with some surprise!, but also with the the desire to meet the end of my earthly tenure, whenever and however, with compassion and understanding.
You know, dying is a personal emotional-mental-spiritual experience, as it should be. All too often today, with larger families involvement with the loved-one; this can make choices/decisions much more complex and difficult for the sick individual, in order to move forward.
For myself, it is most important to focus on mediating my own illness; or, should I decide, based on my own ‘Spiritual Algebra’, to remove the machines & medicine, then I should focus on Living my life, while it may just be much shorter than I had believed it would have been, just a Month ago.
For me, courageousness, has nothing to do with end-of-life decisions. For someone else, perhaps they will rely on the emotional / social constructs of Bravery, Concern for others, etc…. that are important to them.
It’s all Good, we are all different, no hangups, if at all possible—for most people, this is the way they will leave this world. But, for some, that may just not be possible.
Yes, absolutely. I have had relatives, my father, my grandmother, my sister, who chose not to fight when fighting was going to be too difficult. My cousin has volunteered in hospice for many years, my granddaughter is choosing to tailor her nursing degree toward end-of-life care which surprised me but also made me glad.
End of life care is SO IMPORTANT! Many people in the West have a very archaic view of death-it’s unfortunate.
I work on preparing myself for death every, single day!
I’ve had cancer twice, and at 62, death is much closer today. But, I’m healthy! I thank God for every day, including the days that I could do without 😉.
Humanity needs human beings like your granddaughter! I’d advise her to read as many spiritual books as possible. Think outside the box! Be different!💜
Hi Diana. I tried to restack this with this note. I ended up doing it separately (someday maybe I'll figure out Substack), but here's what I wanted to say.
My mother was a Hospice volunteer when I was in high school, and I learned a lot from that about living as fully as possible with whatever you've got going on. I've been with four of my loved ones at the end of their lives, and I learned a lot from that also in terms of how they lived--and how they died.
I've seen people suffer so much trying to "beat" something and the "fight" leaves them exhausted, barely living the life they were fighting for. I hope more people stop telling people they "have to fight" when what they really want to do is live. Even if that's for less time than they'd planned.
What a powerful perspective. I’ve seen that too, that sometimes the pressure to “fight” can end up taking people away from the life they’re trying to protect. Thank you for sharing this. ❤️
I’ve read the book and my takeaway was slightly different in that I did not feel Gwande elevated giving up over fighting. I thought he said it should be the choice of the individual. If we making giving up sound like the “brave” or virtuous choice for everyone then we are merely substituting one cultural judgment for another. Fighting for one’s life is ok too if that’s what the person chooses and it is no less brave than any other choice one might make in the face of death.
I can see that. My reading was a bit different, but I agree with you on the bigger point: the book isn’t arguing for one “right” way to face death. It’s arguing for making space for people to choose what matters most to them.
I love this book. It caused me to think about the life I want as I get older and to give more thought to my eventual transition off this plane of being.
"The goal can't simply be more time, when 'more time' has stopped meaning anything to the person living it" is the line that stopped me. I'm 79 and have thought about this more than I let on. Your grandmother's story made it concrete in a way the clinical parts couldn't.
What you wrote about avoidance feeling like love but really being fear wearing love's clothes landed hard too. That's a phrase worth carrying around.
I write about pickleball, not mortality, but the question you left readers with applies everywhere: does anyone who loves you actually know the answer? Worth asking at any age.
Thank you for this book recommendation! 👍👏 I’ll definitely purchase this!
If you only read one book on this topic, “Being Mortal” is the best one.
Thank you Diana, so beautifully expressed and explained to those of us unable get hold of the book itself. Much needed conversation.
Yes, sometimes clinging to life at all cost just isn’t worth the cost…
Thank you so much for this. I really need to read this book and have these conversations.
I have read this book a couple of times! It is very compelling.
Amen. FINALLY. As a nurse with 43 years of experience, I have witnessed this first hand time and time again. Thank goodness someone's willing to put into words what I have seen repeatedly, both professionally and personally. I think I'm going to read this and then most likely recommend it to others. Thank you for this review and for sharing.
Thank you, Machelle. Coming from someone with 43 years of nursing experience, that really means a lot. I’m so glad it resonated, and I’d love to hear what you think if you end up reading the book. ❤️
“Being Mortal” has been in my library since it was published. Every few years I re-read it. I am so glad you found it, and are recommending it. Its message has helped to direct my thought processes as I continue to age into my 9th decade, with some surprise!, but also with the the desire to meet the end of my earthly tenure, whenever and however, with compassion and understanding.
Thank you for sharing that. It’s not an easy book, but I can see why you return to it every few years. It gave me a lot to think about too. ❤️
You know, dying is a personal emotional-mental-spiritual experience, as it should be. All too often today, with larger families involvement with the loved-one; this can make choices/decisions much more complex and difficult for the sick individual, in order to move forward.
For myself, it is most important to focus on mediating my own illness; or, should I decide, based on my own ‘Spiritual Algebra’, to remove the machines & medicine, then I should focus on Living my life, while it may just be much shorter than I had believed it would have been, just a Month ago.
For me, courageousness, has nothing to do with end-of-life decisions. For someone else, perhaps they will rely on the emotional / social constructs of Bravery, Concern for others, etc…. that are important to them.
It’s all Good, we are all different, no hangups, if at all possible—for most people, this is the way they will leave this world. But, for some, that may just not be possible.
Thanks for sharing this. I think we all bring different values and priorities to these decisions, which is what makes them so personal.
Yes, absolutely. I have had relatives, my father, my grandmother, my sister, who chose not to fight when fighting was going to be too difficult. My cousin has volunteered in hospice for many years, my granddaughter is choosing to tailor her nursing degree toward end-of-life care which surprised me but also made me glad.
End of life care is SO IMPORTANT! Many people in the West have a very archaic view of death-it’s unfortunate.
I work on preparing myself for death every, single day!
I’ve had cancer twice, and at 62, death is much closer today. But, I’m healthy! I thank God for every day, including the days that I could do without 😉.
Humanity needs human beings like your granddaughter! I’d advise her to read as many spiritual books as possible. Think outside the box! Be different!💜
Hi Diana. I tried to restack this with this note. I ended up doing it separately (someday maybe I'll figure out Substack), but here's what I wanted to say.
My mother was a Hospice volunteer when I was in high school, and I learned a lot from that about living as fully as possible with whatever you've got going on. I've been with four of my loved ones at the end of their lives, and I learned a lot from that also in terms of how they lived--and how they died.
I've seen people suffer so much trying to "beat" something and the "fight" leaves them exhausted, barely living the life they were fighting for. I hope more people stop telling people they "have to fight" when what they really want to do is live. Even if that's for less time than they'd planned.
What a powerful perspective. I’ve seen that too, that sometimes the pressure to “fight” can end up taking people away from the life they’re trying to protect. Thank you for sharing this. ❤️
I’ve read the book and my takeaway was slightly different in that I did not feel Gwande elevated giving up over fighting. I thought he said it should be the choice of the individual. If we making giving up sound like the “brave” or virtuous choice for everyone then we are merely substituting one cultural judgment for another. Fighting for one’s life is ok too if that’s what the person chooses and it is no less brave than any other choice one might make in the face of death.
I can see that. My reading was a bit different, but I agree with you on the bigger point: the book isn’t arguing for one “right” way to face death. It’s arguing for making space for people to choose what matters most to them.
I love this book. It caused me to think about the life I want as I get older and to give more thought to my eventual transition off this plane of being.
It really made me think about how I want to live now, not just how I want to die someday.
Yes— and those two things—now and someday— are parts of the whole.