Your Holidays, Your Rules

There's No Wrong Way to Spend This Season

Last week, I wrote about giving yourself permission to simplify gift-giving. The response was overwhelming. So many of you wrote to say you felt seen, validated, and relieved.

Then came the follow-up questions. Some asked: “What about all the events I’m expected to attend?” Others said: “My calendar is empty. Is it okay that I want a quiet holiday?”

Both are asking the same thing: Do I have permission to spend the holidays however I want?

Yes. Absolutely yes.

There’s No Right Way to Do the Holidays

Somewhere along the way, we created rules about what the holidays “should” look like. Big gatherings. Multiple parties. Constant activity. Traditions maintained at all costs.

And if your holiday doesn’t look like that? You might feel like you’re doing it wrong.

You’re not.

A meaningful holiday can be a house full of family. It can also be a quiet afternoon with a book. It can be attending every party you’re invited to. It can be attending none of them.

The only requirement is that it works for you.

When Your Calendar Is Overflowing

Maybe you’re looking at a packed schedule and feeling exhausted before it even begins. Church events. Neighborhood parties. Family gatherings. Friend celebrations.

You don’t have to go to all of them. You don’t even have to go to most of them.

Ask yourself one question about each invitation: Do I genuinely want to go, or am I going out of obligation?

If it’s obligation, you have permission to decline. A simple “Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it” is enough.

The Two-Hour Option

For events you do want to attend, you don’t have to stay all day.

I know someone who transformed her Christmas by telling her daughter she’d visit from 2pm to 4pm instead of spending the entire day there. Two hours. She was present, engaged, and actually enjoyed herself. When she left, she still had energy.

Her daughter’s response? “I’d rather have two hours of you happy than eight hours of you exhausted.”

Set your time window based on when you have the most energy. Tell people your plan in advance. Then honor it without guilt.

When Your Calendar Is Empty

Maybe you’re facing the opposite situation. No invitations filling your calendar. Just quiet days ahead.

And maybe you’re wondering if you should feel sad about that.

You don’t have to.

A quiet holiday isn’t a lesser holiday. It’s not a sign that something is missing or wrong. It might simply be what suits you right now.

You can spend Christmas morning with coffee and silence, watching the sunrise. You can read all day without interruption. You can cook yourself a special meal and savor it slowly. You can call one person you care about and have an unhurried conversation.

The holidays don’t require a crowd. They require whatever brings you peace.

Protecting What Matters

Whether your challenge is too many invitations or too much quiet, the solution is the same: get clear on what actually matters to you.

Not what mattered 20 years ago. Not what everyone else is doing. What matters to you now, in this season of your life, with the energy and circumstances you have today.

Your Non-Negotiables

These are boundaries you won’t cross, no matter what. Some examples:

• I need one rest day between social events

• I won’t drive after dark in winter

• I need 8 hours of sleep, period

• I won’t skip my exercise or medications for social events

• I need time alone to recharge

Write yours down. When something crosses these lines, the answer is automatically no.

One Meaningful Thing

Instead of trying to do everything, choose one meaningful thing each week. That could be:

• A gathering with people you love

• A quiet morning with your favorite music

• A walk to see holiday lights

• An entire day reading

• A video call with family far away

• Watching your favorite holiday movies

One meaningful experience beats five exhausting obligations. Every time.

What About the Guilt?

You’re probably feeling it right now. Guilt about saying no. Guilt about wanting quiet. Guilt about not measuring up to some imaginary standard of what the holidays should be.

That guilt comes from years of messages telling you that your needs don’t matter as much as other people’s expectations. That self-sacrifice equals love. That doing less means caring less.

None of that is true.

The people who genuinely care about you want you to be happy and rested. They want real conversations with you, not polite small talk while you count down the minutes until you can leave. They want to hear you laugh, not watch you struggle to stay awake.

If someone in your life would rather have your exhausted compliance than your genuine wellbeing, that tells you everything you need to know about their priorities.

Design Your Own Holiday

Here’s what I want you to do: Forget everything you think the holidays “should” look like. Set aside what they used to be. Ignore what everyone else is doing.

Ask yourself: What would actually make me happy?

Maybe that’s one big family gathering you genuinely look forward to. Maybe it’s a quiet week with good books and no obligations. Maybe it’s lunch with your closest friend. Maybe it’s a mix—some social, some solitary.

Whatever your answer is, that’s the right answer. For you. Right now.

There’s no test you need to pass. No standard you need to meet. No scorecard measuring whether you “did the holidays right.”

Start Small

You don’t need to overhaul everything. Pick one thing:

• Decline one invitation that fills you with dread

• Leave one gathering after two hours instead of staying all day

• Plan one quiet day that’s entirely for yourself

• Tell one person your honest answer when they ask “What are you doing for the holidays?”

Notice how it feels. Then try another.

This Year, Give Yourself Permission

Permission to say no. Permission to leave early. Permission to stay home. Permission to do nothing. Permission to do everything. Permission to change your mind about what the holidays mean to you.

The holidays don’t require your suffering. They don’t require you to meet anyone else’s expectations. They don’t even require you to maintain traditions that no longer serve you.

What they do require is simple: your presence. And you can only truly be present when you’re not depleted, resentful, or pretending to be someone you’re not.

So this year, spend the holidays however you want. There is no wrong way. There’s only your way.

And your way is enough.

Wishing you peace, joy, and a holiday season that feels exactly right. ❤️