I’ve been the primary caregiver for all the family’s aging members. By far, this is the WORST conversation I have to have with them all. (We’re all independent country folk.)
You make great points here in how to talk to elders about this respectfully. Being prepared with options of how they can still be mobile is crucial. And don’t expect to have them agree after one conversation. In my experience, we had to revisit it a few times.
But, one of my elders had dementia and was not safe on the road. I had to disconnect the battery (and leave a note on it so that a good neighbor wouldn’t fix it). Every time she brought up that the car wouldn’t start, I said I would call the mechanic. It satisfied her and then she would forget about it (until she tried to drive again).
Totally hear you. These talks are brutal even when everyone has the best intentions. The “independent country folk” part made me smile because that’s exactly the vibe that makes the conversation 10x harder — they’ve been doing things their way forever.
You nailed something big: it’s rarely a one-and-done chat. It’s more like a slow, gentle campaign.
And wow, the dementia situation… that’s a tough line to walk. Disconnecting the battery was honestly a smart, compassionate workaround. Safety first, and you still gave her a sense of control by “calling the mechanic.” Sometimes that’s the only route that keeps everyone calm and safe.
Thanks for sharing this — it’s the kind of real-world stuff people don’t talk about enough.
Like your dad, I'll also soon be 80. Unlike him, I have no family close by to watch out for me. So I've made some changes to keep me safe. Slowing down, for example. Being more vigilant both while driving and at stop signs or lights. Staying mostly in the right lane. Keeping myself in good physical condition so I can easily turn my head.
Tom, thanks for sharing this. The adjustments you’re making show a lot of awareness and self-care. It’s inspiring, honestly. Driving more cautiously and staying in good shape sounds like a solid plan. Wishing you many safe miles ahead.
I’m a longtime driver . Never had a ticket . I’ve always been a calculating defensive driver . I’m 75 and my 80 yr.old husband put two dents in his beautiful truck . At least they’re on opposite sides . Before that he had gradual trouble parking smoothly at Home Depot . Big sign brain is not calculating space well …
But he wouldn’t ever admit it . (Come on … 5-6 tries isn’t convincing ?)
For now, we’ve gotten a mid-size hatchback with ALL the safety cameras & warnings…
If he fails that .. tough rocks .
Too many scary seniors can barely walk out of Costco ,then they bumble away unaware they are hazards.
Yeah, this is the part nobody really prepares us for — at some point the “I’ve been driving forever” card doesn’t mean much against slower reflexes and depth-perception issues.
Good on you for actually paying attention to the dents, the parking struggles, etc. A lot of families only act after a serious accident.
The hatchback with all the cameras/alerts is a smart middle step. And honestly, if he’s still struggling even with that, it’s not “tough rocks,” it’s just reality: protecting him and everyone around him matters more than pride or convenience.
I do think it’s worth remembering not every older driver is a hazard, but the ones who are need honest conversations like the one you’re clearly willing to have. That’s love, even if it feels harsh.
My dad’s dementia showed up very slowly as it always does. By the time he was 89, it was unmistakable. He was still driving but only back and forth to the local cafe every morning in their small town to have breakfast and to commiserate with his buddies. He was driving fairly well but my brothers and I felt like we were gambling with his and others safety. My brother finally took the keys away and told him he was having work done on the truck…did I mention it was an F250? We were lucky in that my dad had a girlfriend (74) who stayed with him during the day so she could drive them around to the grocery store and my brother and his family were close by as well. I remember the hand wringing we all did trying to make the decision to take that truck away from him. The dementia finally progressed where he didn’t even ask about the truck again. He passed away last March. Very good article!
That’s such a tough spot to be in, and you all clearly handled it with a lot of care. Taking the keys is never simple, even when you know it’s the right call. Sounds like your dad was surrounded by people who really showed up for him — having his girlfriend and family nearby must’ve made a huge difference. Thanks for sharing this.
I’m 74 and recently took a two-month hiatus from driving. I made this decision because of the stress I experience when out on the roadways in the city where I live.
Today is the first day I ventured out in my own on a very short trip. I weighed my options: walk and risk getting hit in a crosswalk, or drive and avoid the busiest streets. The freedom and independence felt familiar, but so does not driving. A blend of both may work for me, at this point in my life.
Sounds like you handled this really thoughtfully. It’s a big shift, and you’re clearly paying attention to what actually feels safe and doable for you. Mixing in short drives with some walking sounds like a solid way to keep your independence without pushing yourself into stressful situations. Glad that first trip back out felt familiar in a good way.
I’ve been the primary caregiver for all the family’s aging members. By far, this is the WORST conversation I have to have with them all. (We’re all independent country folk.)
You make great points here in how to talk to elders about this respectfully. Being prepared with options of how they can still be mobile is crucial. And don’t expect to have them agree after one conversation. In my experience, we had to revisit it a few times.
But, one of my elders had dementia and was not safe on the road. I had to disconnect the battery (and leave a note on it so that a good neighbor wouldn’t fix it). Every time she brought up that the car wouldn’t start, I said I would call the mechanic. It satisfied her and then she would forget about it (until she tried to drive again).
Totally hear you. These talks are brutal even when everyone has the best intentions. The “independent country folk” part made me smile because that’s exactly the vibe that makes the conversation 10x harder — they’ve been doing things their way forever.
You nailed something big: it’s rarely a one-and-done chat. It’s more like a slow, gentle campaign.
And wow, the dementia situation… that’s a tough line to walk. Disconnecting the battery was honestly a smart, compassionate workaround. Safety first, and you still gave her a sense of control by “calling the mechanic.” Sometimes that’s the only route that keeps everyone calm and safe.
Thanks for sharing this — it’s the kind of real-world stuff people don’t talk about enough.
Like your dad, I'll also soon be 80. Unlike him, I have no family close by to watch out for me. So I've made some changes to keep me safe. Slowing down, for example. Being more vigilant both while driving and at stop signs or lights. Staying mostly in the right lane. Keeping myself in good physical condition so I can easily turn my head.
Tom, thanks for sharing this. The adjustments you’re making show a lot of awareness and self-care. It’s inspiring, honestly. Driving more cautiously and staying in good shape sounds like a solid plan. Wishing you many safe miles ahead.
I’m a longtime driver . Never had a ticket . I’ve always been a calculating defensive driver . I’m 75 and my 80 yr.old husband put two dents in his beautiful truck . At least they’re on opposite sides . Before that he had gradual trouble parking smoothly at Home Depot . Big sign brain is not calculating space well …
But he wouldn’t ever admit it . (Come on … 5-6 tries isn’t convincing ?)
For now, we’ve gotten a mid-size hatchback with ALL the safety cameras & warnings…
If he fails that .. tough rocks .
Too many scary seniors can barely walk out of Costco ,then they bumble away unaware they are hazards.
Yeah, this is the part nobody really prepares us for — at some point the “I’ve been driving forever” card doesn’t mean much against slower reflexes and depth-perception issues.
Good on you for actually paying attention to the dents, the parking struggles, etc. A lot of families only act after a serious accident.
The hatchback with all the cameras/alerts is a smart middle step. And honestly, if he’s still struggling even with that, it’s not “tough rocks,” it’s just reality: protecting him and everyone around him matters more than pride or convenience.
I do think it’s worth remembering not every older driver is a hazard, but the ones who are need honest conversations like the one you’re clearly willing to have. That’s love, even if it feels harsh.
My dad’s dementia showed up very slowly as it always does. By the time he was 89, it was unmistakable. He was still driving but only back and forth to the local cafe every morning in their small town to have breakfast and to commiserate with his buddies. He was driving fairly well but my brothers and I felt like we were gambling with his and others safety. My brother finally took the keys away and told him he was having work done on the truck…did I mention it was an F250? We were lucky in that my dad had a girlfriend (74) who stayed with him during the day so she could drive them around to the grocery store and my brother and his family were close by as well. I remember the hand wringing we all did trying to make the decision to take that truck away from him. The dementia finally progressed where he didn’t even ask about the truck again. He passed away last March. Very good article!
That’s such a tough spot to be in, and you all clearly handled it with a lot of care. Taking the keys is never simple, even when you know it’s the right call. Sounds like your dad was surrounded by people who really showed up for him — having his girlfriend and family nearby must’ve made a huge difference. Thanks for sharing this.
I’m 74 and recently took a two-month hiatus from driving. I made this decision because of the stress I experience when out on the roadways in the city where I live.
Today is the first day I ventured out in my own on a very short trip. I weighed my options: walk and risk getting hit in a crosswalk, or drive and avoid the busiest streets. The freedom and independence felt familiar, but so does not driving. A blend of both may work for me, at this point in my life.
Sounds like you handled this really thoughtfully. It’s a big shift, and you’re clearly paying attention to what actually feels safe and doable for you. Mixing in short drives with some walking sounds like a solid way to keep your independence without pushing yourself into stressful situations. Glad that first trip back out felt familiar in a good way.